I. Crave. Community.
Before this quarantine situation, I went to work and home,alone. To church and home, alone. Saw a movie, alone. It’s what I did, but not what I wanted. What I wanted was to be a part of a community, having others to share life experiences with.
The problem is that I was afraid. Afraid of everything. Afraid of everyone. Afraid that I wouldn’t be interesting enough, or smart enough, or fun enough, or just fill in the blank enough.
I lingered on the outskirts of everything and not knowing how to join. I can’t just push my way in, that’s rude. I can’t show anyone that I want to be included, that’s needy. I certainly can’t just come out and say I feel lost and alone, that’s just plain pathetic.
So take my “I am not enough syndrome” add it to my “I can’t self-talk” and you wind up with someone who has no community. I can laugh and joke and be surface deep, but in my reality there is not anyone to go deeper with.
Through this quarantine, I have attended online churches, viewed Women’s Ministry broadcasts, Prayer Services, sung out loud in my room along with Living Room Worship, even enjoyed a super cool Women’s Bible Study, with discussion groups before and after. I have watched an amazing assortment of Video Bible Studies, for free thanks, to Right Now Media and Bible Study Gateway. I have listened to books on Audible, for free. I mean seriously, everyone is providing an incredible amount of online content right now. I’m doing it all alone.
I’ve signed up for a writing course I had been contemplating. I completed a 90 Day Experience, started before quarantine, to work on setting and achieving the goal of living my best life. I am currently in a 21 Day Journey to better identify my talents and gifts. I have watched YouTube live streams, Bead Therapy has been a thing for me. I’m learning and growing. Alone.
I have come to understand fully this truth, community is a necessary, essential part of life.
I need community, I need fellowship. I need people to navigate through life with. People in my real life, not just online.